Dear Girl Bosses Under Duress,
This week we discuss body neutrality vs body positivity, how realising my inherent adequacy helped me harness my true potential, why self-compassion is not self-pity and I share some Neuro-Linguistic Programming tools to help you access your inner strength and self-compassion.
A few editions ago, we discussed Sonya Renee Taylor’s framework on radical self-love. I am enthralled by her approach because it asserts that in order to arrive at a point of radically loving ourselves, we need to reconnect with our innate sense of worth. Groundbreaking, right? While society and our capitalistic, consumerist culture may tell us everything that we need to do to arrive at self-love, Taylor suggests that it is when we unearth the unfaltering sense of adequacy that is not reliant on external factors. It is the simple acceptance of our enoughness as we are. It is moving from doing (buying a certain item, getting a certain job/ qualification, looking a certain way) to simply being.
Now, what took my understanding of this concept even further was when I listened to research psychologist, Dr. Kristin Neff, discussing self-compassion. Dr. Neff is a trailblazer in the study of self-compassion, having been the first person to define and quantify the concept, over 20 years ago. According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion is : “simply the process of turning compassion inward”. It lies in being kind and understanding towards ourselves, instead of being terribly self-critical when we make mistakes or when we do not feel adequate. It is in providing ourselves with support and encouragement, in place of being distant and judgemental when difficulties may come up in our lived experiences. It has been proven that self-compassion is an incredible tool for coping, and we can find it already existing within ourselves. It has the capacity to improve both our mental and physical wellness. Self-compassion assists us in striving towards our goals, not because we believe we are not enough, but because we care and want to fulfil our joy.
So, how did body neutrality help me to reach this destination?
On Exercise and Body Neutrality
For a long time, I subscribed to the tenets of body positivity. It was almost natural for me to do so, as a plus sized girl who was up against the mainstream messaging that purported that being thin was in. I consumed all sorts of media that told me to feel comfortable in my skin. I looked up to plus sized women who embraced their bootyliciousness. They inspired me to be proud of my curves, and to not shrink myself in the world - quite literally! It was comforting to be on the end of the spectrum that spoke loudly about self-love and all bodies being beautiful. But, what if I told you that this ideology became slightly limiting for me at some point? As a result, I found myself leaning a lot more towards body neutrality. It all started when I went through a really rough patch of depression. I have spoken about this previously, but if you are new around here, this is what went down: I switched careers, pursued a rather difficult academic programme, faced some deeply traumatic personal experiences and as a result – I gained weight, struggled with alcohol abuse, and lived quite a sedentary lifestyle. At that point, I wasn’t even thinking about how my body looked, let alone loving it.
This of course could have been the reason why body positivity became quite tricky for me. Body positivity is all about embracing our bodies, no matter their size, shape, colour, or ability. It’s part of a movement that challenges society’s beauty standards, which often feel impossible to meet. But sometimes, it can feel unrealistic, like it’s pushing us to love something we’re not quite ready to love. Like, don’t get me wrong – I love body positivity to the core, but at some points it can give off a smidge of toxic positivity, don’t you think? Also, I think it is important to state that the body positivity movement was fat and queer centric first, then sort of got co-opted and became more mainstream, thus losing some of its original roots (and punch).
On the other hand, body neutrality takes a more middle-ground approach. It focuses on what our bodies can do rather than how they look. You don’t have to love or hate your body—it’s about accepting it for what it is and showing respect. This term was popularised by Anne Poirier, an intuitive eating counsellor, who talked about how we can prioritise function over appearance. What I particularly enjoy about body neutrality is that it recognises that our bodies don’t define our self-worth. It’s less about loving the way you look and more about appreciating the things your body does for you. Plus, so much of how our bodies are shaped is out of our control. For instance, genes can play a huge role! We become frustrated when we push against factors such as this one.
With that said, I think you can find a balance between body positivity and body neutrality. I’ve noticed that I lean into body-positive affirmations when I see a hurtful comment about my appearance on social media. But on days when I’m struggling to stay motivated to work out or eat healthily, body-neutral affirmations get me through. For me, working out is less about aesthetics. It’s about feeling good—getting that dopamine hit, clearing my mind, and improving my mental and physical health. It’s a commitment I’ve made to myself and my future self, to keep my body strong as I age.
How Realising My Adequacy Helped Me Harness My Potential
This might seem airy-fairy without context, however I can fully attribute my +20kg weight loss to the ideology of body neutrality. I don’t think that I would have been able to maintain my consistency, if eating well or staying active was based on my feelings on any given day. There are certain moments where my world feels like it is colliding, but because I have chosen to honour myself through what I eat, drink, the people I hang out with, the books I read and places I go to. This all boils down to self-respect, my inherent self-worth and ultimate enoughness. I have chosen to believe that I matter, despite how I look and what I have. It has therefore become important to honour the fact that I matter through these acts. Please watch out for my podcast that is dropping this week titled ‘Self-Discipline as Radical Self-Love’, where I go even further with this concept. In the meantime, you can follow and subscribe here.
Here are some affirmations that keep me going:
Body Positivity Affirmations
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I am beautiful.
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I love my body.
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I am perfect as I am.
Body Neutrality Affirmations
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I accept my body as it is.
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My body helps me in many ways.
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How can I honour my body today?
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My body works hard and deserves kindness.
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All bodies are different, and that’s okay.
I think these two approaches complement each other. Body positivity can lift you up when you need to feel good about yourself, while body neutrality gives you the logical reasoning to get moving when you don’t feel like it. They help you navigate different moments in life.
Self-compassion is not self-pity
It is important to be able to distinguish between self-pity and self-compassion. In her talks, Dr. Neff raises this point acutely. Self-pity is more “woe is me”. Self-compassion is not self-indulgent, nor is it something that will encourage you to be lazy, stupid and unconcerned. Self-compassion allows for us to view things in context. I have come to understand that it is through being compassionate towards myself, that I am able to do better, strive for more and tap into my ultimate potential. The pipeline that I followed, from body-positivity to body-neutrality, illustrates that it was through accessing my own adequacy, and affirming my inherent enoughness, that I was able to access that self-compassion. Through those body-neutral affirmations, I was able to keep going. Even on the days when I did not feel like it. Of course, this wouldn’t be a GBUD Newsletter if I did not leave you with some practical tools to help you access this innermost part of yourself.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Tools
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a coaching tool that aligns your thoughts and actions to achieve desired outcomes. Based on a set of principles, NLP is highly adaptable for various goals. As a NLP trained life coach, I will often employ NLP tools to help myself and my clients tap into radical self-love and self-compassion to harness inner resilience and strength.
People Make the Best Choices Available to Them at the Time
In Practice: Practise self-compassion. Recognise that you were doing your best with the information and resources available to you in the past. Now that you have more knowledge and tools, you’re better equipped to make improved decisions.
There is No Failure, Only Feedback
In Practice: Each misstep offers a learning opportunity. Instead of focusing on failure, consider what you can learn and how you can improve next time.
Applying NLP Techniques
● SMART Goals: Set Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound goals to stay on track.
● Reframe: Shift your perspective on exercise and healthy eating. For example, replace “I need to lose this undesired weight” with “I have the opportunity to improve my fitness and health.”
Conclusion
I hope that my discussion on body neutrality and how it helped me understand my inherent adequacy can be a case study for how to harness true potential. In a world that is constantly telling us that we are not enough, it is necessary to change that narrative for ourselves. You do matter, and you are enough. May you continue to tap into your inner reserves and locate the internal qualities that you possess to harness your success.
Much love,
Your fellow girl boss under duress,
Thembi