In this edition we discuss the power of radical self-love, surrendering to liberation, NLP principles and tools to help you realign your intentions and outcomes from a cycle of harmful patterns.
Dear Girl Boss Under Duress,
This morning, during my workout, I tuned into a podcast episode titled ‘Loving Your Body Changes Your Life’ featuring Sonya Renee Taylor, one of my favourite thinkers. I thought it would be a light listen to accompany my exercise. Little did I know that this conversation would leave me stunned, reflecting on how we treat ourselves and the profound liberation that can arise from surrendering to self-love. For those unfamiliar with her work, Sonya Renee Taylor is an award-winning poet, author, and activist who leads the My Body Is Not an Apology movement. In her book The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love, she outlines her radical self-love framework. Taylor argues that we are born in a state of self-love, which gradually erodes due to oppressive societal narratives. Healing, she believes, involves reconnecting with this innate sense of worth, which in turn transforms how we live and engage with both our own bodies and the bodies of others. This radical self-love calls for a revolution in how society perceives and interacts with differences in bodies. You can find out more about her and her work here. Reflecting on Sonya’s ideas, I realised how integral they are to my own journey of liberation—particularly through the process of surrender. Surrendering for me means opting out of systems that no longer serve me, getting out of my own way, and meeting myself halfway. This process has been central to my personal growth, and I want to unpack these ideas for you.
Sonya Renee Taylor. Image from BRYN MAWR
Every Action Has a Positive Intention
One of the most valuable principles I use in my coaching practice comes from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a psychological approach connecting neurological processes, language, and behavioural patterns. NLP posits that every action has a positive intention—though not necessarily a positive outcome. It suggests that, however harmful an action may seem, it stems from a desire to achieve a benefit for the individual. Let’s consider an example. If you unwind with a glass of wine every evening, the positive intention behind that action might be to relax and disconnect from daily stresses. Similarly, smoking a cigarette might be driven by the desire to alleviate stress or socialise. While the actions themselves may not yield positive outcomes in the long term, the intention behind them is to fulfil a need. I often ask my clients to reflect on their habits. What actions do they take that have positive intentions? Do those actions deliver the desired outcomes? When the answer is no, we tend to double down—drinking more wine, smoking more cigarettes—hoping the original positive intention will eventually be met. However, this approach often leads to further frustration, as the actions become increasingly extractive without delivering the desired results. This framework of understanding can be applied beyond individual habits to the broader systems we subscribe to, whether they be capitalist, patriarchal, or otherwise. These systems create narratives that we internalise and act upon, often at our own expense.
Opting Out
One of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself is the freedom to opt out of these systems when they no longer serve me. For much of my life, I was conditioned to follow the rules, whether those of people, institutions, or societal expectations. But when these systems become too extractive—taking more than they give—I believe in quitting. Take, for example, the pressures of "girl maintenance," which refers to the routine grooming expected of women, femmes, and queers. The complaints about the financial and time burden are widespread, yet the response to simply "opt out" seems radical. We’ve been conditioned to believe these grooming rituals are necessary for acceptance and access. But what if they aren’t? When we examine these actions through the lens of NLP, we see that the positive intention behind them might be to access certain spaces or power. However, the process of maintaining these standards often feels too costly, leaving us with minimal returns. Opting out has afforded me more time, money, peace, and self-love, allowing me to reclaim power over how I present myself. By stepping away from these extractive practices, we challenge the narratives that keep us bound to systems of oppression. The more we opt out, the freer we become to imagine new possibilities for living.
Getting Out of Your Own Way
Even when we recognise the need to opt out, it’s not always easy to do so. We might fear losing the benefits we’ve come to expect from participating in these systems, such as social acceptance, financial gain, or power. But when we continue to engage with oppressive systems, we remain trapped. By staying in our own way, we limit the liberation available to us and others. Surrendering means unlearning the harmful beliefs that tell us we are not enough—whether thin enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough. Once we begin to step away from these narratives, we create space for new ideas, opportunities, and resources to flow to us naturally. When we stop bulldozing others for limited resources, we realise there’s enough for everyone.
Meeting Yourself Halfway
In my own practice of self-care, I’ve embraced the concept of meeting myself halfway. I believe that our bodies, minds, and souls are capable of incredible things; they simply need to be nurtured. Meeting yourself halfway means creating a conducive environment for your body to thrive by providing it with nutritious food, adequate rest, regular movement, and moments of pleasure. It’s crucial to create safety in the body, particularly in a world that often makes us feel unsafe in our own skin. By honouring our bodies through self-care, we nurture the inherent wisdom within them. There’s also an NLP principle that states, “Everything you need lies within.” Once we recognise that, we can activate the greatness already present in us.
Practical Tips for Positive Outcomes
If you’re feeling stuck in a cycle of unhelpful habits, here are some practical tips to realign your intentions and outcomes:
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Feeling frustrated or angry? Move your body.
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Feeling lonely? Volunteer, adopt a pet, or connect with people (even online).
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Feeling anxious? Practice grounding techniques, like naming five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
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Feeling stuck? Write a reflective journal of your progress.
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Want an instant dopamine boost? Listen to music, sit in the sun, or get a massage.
Bonus: And remember, seeking professional help is always a valuable step toward healing.
Just Surrender
Ultimately, all that you want will come to you when you surrender to your own inherent enoughness. Meet yourself halfway, let go of the systems that no longer serve you, and make space for who you truly are. Your liberation lies in your ability to reclaim your power, opt out of the narratives that confine you, and step into a life of radical self-love.
Much love,
Your fellow girl boss under duress,
Thembi